Click here to change your life...or not.

One of the lovely things about having a hotmail/Yahoo type email account is the goodwill of your fellow men it generates. So many people out there who have my health/wealth or masturbatory interests at heart, and are bursting to tell me about it on an hourly basis.

But as I wade through the 100 or so spams per day that float into my inbox, I can't help but enjoy the particular qualities of the Viagra peddlers, and their ever unique sales pitches - some perhaps betraying the fact that English is not a first langauge to the author.

Of course it's stupid to ever actually reply to a spam, but for your delectation here are some of the wonderful benefits promised to me, and my likely responses if I had sent an email back:

Your wife will become dulled by your stamina and endurance…
- If I wanted a dull girl I could go to any shit bar in Islington, thanks.

Everything in your pants will be strong
- What, even the smell?

Make your tame python work like a clock with Super Viagra
- In English please...

Do you want to tear her vagina with your super-sized dick?
- Er, no thanks.

Your wife will be stroked dumb by your endurance with Super Viagra
- Now, I like the idea of that...a bit of peace and quiet for a change.

It’s not necessary to put up with your tiny cock
- Really? I'd actually grown quite accustomed to it.