Click here to change your life...or not.

One of the lovely things about having a hotmail/Yahoo type email account is the goodwill of your fellow men it generates. So many people out there who have my health/wealth or masturbatory interests at heart, and are bursting to tell me about it on an hourly basis.

But as I wade through the 100 or so spams per day that float into my inbox, I can't help but enjoy the particular qualities of the Viagra peddlers, and their ever unique sales pitches - some perhaps betraying the fact that English is not a first langauge to the author.

Of course it's stupid to ever actually reply to a spam, but for your delectation here are some of the wonderful benefits promised to me, and my likely responses if I had sent an email back:

Your wife will become dulled by your stamina and endurance…
- If I wanted a dull girl I could go to any shit bar in Islington, thanks.

Everything in your pants will be strong
- What, even the smell?

Make your tame python work like a clock with Super Viagra
- In English please...

Do you want to tear her vagina with your super-sized dick?
- Er, no thanks.

Your wife will be stroked dumb by your endurance with Super Viagra
- Now, I like the idea of that...a bit of peace and quiet for a change.

It’s not necessary to put up with your tiny cock
- Really? I'd actually grown quite accustomed to it.

We really are doomed this time...

Well, today offers proof if it were ever needed that this country really has gone collectively mad.

Since when did a has-been boy band, of whom no-one has heard a peep for the past decade, suddenly become good enough to "perform" two nights at Wembley Stadium. Yes, for the benefit of any overseas viewers, we're talking about Take That at Wembely STADIUM, not the King's Head Wembley or even the local phone box.

For Christ's sake, what is wrong with everybody? The only member of that group with any talent is not appearing anyway (he's got his own Wembley residence to take care of), one of them was struggling to sell out York Fibbers (a noted indie toilet) until all this madness erupted, and the rest had mercifully disappeared without trace in the intervening years.

Bloody hell, even in their heyday they weren't selling tickets like this. Why now? Well, I'll tell you.

Everybody in this country is slowly coming to terms with the fact that everything now is shitter than it used to be. And in a desperate hope to cling on to happier days all the thirty- and forty-something women in this country have latched on to this dog and pony show with all the appetite of a pack of hounds. It also explains why so many men like me would do the same for a Pink Floyd reunion, but at least Floyd had genuine talent...

This Take That nonsense reminds me of the mad masses who queued for hours just to drop flowers in dedication to that overrated sloane ranger who lucked into royalty then milked it for all it was worth before perishing with her coke-head boyfriend.

I guess it's not surprising really. We have no global idols of any merit left, our politicians are lying bastards, the best we can come up with as a movie sex symbol is Keira bloody Knightley, the latest musical megastars are insipid tripe like James Blunt or unoriginal indie-by-numbers tossers like Coldplay, all promoted to within an inch of their lives by their various media machines and none actually meriting all the fuss.

And as for Posh and Becks.....I just can't go there....

So enjoy your Take That show girls, but I hope that hollow feeling in your stomach when it's all over will not be too hard to bear....

Wheely bloody annoying

Let me make this clear, the idea of putting wheels on to heavy suitcases was a moment of genius for whoever came up with it. For anybody who has gone on holiday for a fortnight or more (or, like me, regularly travels with a wife who is incapable of packing less than half a tonne of clothes and toiletries for even the shortest trips) they are a spinal injury saving necessity.

BUT...let's be clear about something else too - your briefcase or laptop bag does not need to be dragged along on wheels behind you, tripping up your fellow commuters and generally getting in the bloody way, you lazy bastard!!

Honestly, I've seen bags so small that the telescopic handle has to be almost as tall as its owner. Pick it up and carry it you idiot, perhaps if you did you wouldn't be so fat.

The worst examples I've seen occur at Euston station, my local stop. Most of these clowns can't even take a pace away from the top of the escalator before dropping that oh-so-heavy make-up bag to the floor then extracting the handle while everybody else falls over each other to get out of the way.

All those armed coppers that frequently hassle anybody looking vaguely Muslim at Euston should turn their attention to these other total menaces. If the wheely bag is found to weigh less than a couple of kilos they should take it outside and shoot the wheels off, or maybe just torch the whole thing.

Big car...small brain

Had to admit a certain grim satisfaction at the news that Toyota is canning the "slow selling" Previa in the UK.

Thank God for that, what a bloody ridiculously over-sized, pointless load of bollocks it is.

We've got one of them in our street, owned by two short-arses (who can barely see over the steering wheel) who use it to ferry their TWO - yes two - kids around. That's two kids, not an entire rugby team, all of whom could easily fit into that great hulking monstrosity.

Neither of the two idiots is capable of handling the beast. I've actually seen the wife use the cars parked either side as bump pads to guide her in parking it....Jesus Christ woman you may not care if your car looks like it's just done a school run in Baghdad but others do. And their total inability to park it usually means they give up after a few attempts with it sticking out into the road like a mobile chicane. I felt like running out with a f*cking gangplank to help them onto the pavement the other day...

The Previa and its over-sized people-carrier ilk are the evil on our urban roads, even more than the "Chelsea Tractor" 4x4. So if you see one make sure to give it the finger...hopefully it'll be our neighbours.